Practice 9/28/16

As predicted, my voice was still trashed this morning. It's mostly swelling from vocal abuse. I should know better, but here we are. What's done is done. I'm going to be kinder to my voice this week (as I should be anyways, regardless of the situation), and I spent a lot of time in my practice on light exercises.

I listened to the 7/4/16 Lesson after I had started off my practice with some really, really gentle lip trilling. I really focused on my onsets and stayed in the lower/speaking end of my range for a long time. I made sure that even from the A3-E5 leaps, there was no external adjustment for pitch; that everything was internal. I used "nyam nyam" and "ya ya" on 54321 to start new vocalizes, because those exercises helped me thread the voice a little better than just starting on a vowel.

Also, I focused on keeping the sound light as I experimented with internal pitch adjustment. I spent some time with my ears plugged, because that helps me to focus on sensation--breath flow, external movement, internal movement, where things are vibrating, etc.

I spent about ~45 minutes warming up and aligning, and my voice felt much better than it had the previous day or even that morning. There is definitely some swelling still, and it's a little uncomfortable to phonate, but now it's not because of tension. It's just because I wasn't nice to my voice, so it's fried.

Hopefully the voice will start feeling better by tomorrow or Friday. This vocal discomfort is just a consequence of my impatience.

Practice 9/27/16

So, last night, I went back to the practice room and basically went at it until I couldn't anymore. My voice was pretty tired by the end of it all (what can I say, I was stress-singing, and it wasn't very healthy, I'll admit), but by the end of the practice, I realized that I had been holding my breath back in an attempt to prevent punting, and that led to some excess tensions in my singing. Rather than letting the air out and giving permission to the folds to regulate the air, I think I was closing up somewhere to slow it down.

That being said, I've been having difficulty with my breathing these last couple of days; it just feels like I'm always out of breath.

• I started this practice session on easy lip trills, allowing my breath to release as much as it wanted to. 
• Allow the breath to open you up. 
• I spent the first half of my practice sitting and leaning forward against the piano to open the back and pay attention to how the ribs expand in the back as I inhale and exhale. 
• "please" 54321 Allow the [p] to be plosive, and let the air out (but don't be lazy). 
• Thinking "pant" or "about to sneeze" for inhalation helps not to go too crazy with the inhale gesture and overfill. 
• I was really tired, so I spent some time on the floor to focus on breathing and releasing my entire body, especially my neck and back. I followed along with the 2/26/16 lesson, and worked on speech-like approach to vocal onset. 

My voice still feels pretty "beaty" and heavy. I'm really really trying to stay positive here, but it's a bit of a struggle.

*************
UPDATE:

Okay. I sang for master class today in the hopes of figuring out what was wrong. Dr. Hood essentially told me the same thing--that my support system (aka my breath) was lacking. And he was definitely right. After the masterclass, I did some lip trills while trilling the music, and I noticed inconsistencies in my breathflow even at that stage. Figuring out how to fix it though, was another story. We got a couple good moments during the class, but I still struggled a lot. (Even so, I was surprised to find that most people didn't notice how much I was struggling to phonate in class today.)

By the end of the day, my voice felt raw. After opera rehearsal, I was exhausted. I felt like I had been singing through a brick wall all day. It feels as if my folds are just slamming shut and wouldn't let any air through when I go to sing. It reminds me a lot of when my vocal tension dysphonia gets bad. After having thoroughly beat up my voice today, I've decided to really focus on getting enough rest and food. I'm absolutely exhausted, and I have been since the moment I woke up today. I literally fell asleep in my yoga class five times whenever we went to hold a pose.

Not gonna lie, I'm still pretty frustrated at myself (what's new). My singing felt great on Friday--it was nice and free, and open, and there was nothing frantic about it. Now it feels like it never happened. My voice now feels worse than before, which is saying something.

That being said, I'm going to bed. Now. I'm going to put off my homework and do it some other time, because I think a lot of the vocal tensions I have are simply from being worn down physically, not just vocally. Here's to a better day tomorrow.... 

Practice 9/26/16

Followed along with 9/23/16 lesson. My voice feels pretty okay. Normal amount of swelling. Nothing particularly of note. I'm running on 4 hours of sleep. I just have a hard time falling asleep.

• [ga] 8531 on hyperextended opening and then normal opening really helped. 
• Watch that you don't punt with your air! The reason you do better on swollen days is because you're more aware of excessive subglottal pressure!! 
• "sob" approach. Sing to the balcony! Not just to yourself. 
• Once the sound starts spinning, you can let it go. Onset is all you have to do; let the sound do the rest. 
• Sing out of the holes. Be open everywhere (but don't "make" open). 
• Sing on the gesture of the inhale, especially with longer phrases. 

I left feeling a little more released, but still not up to the caliber of my singing last Friday. There seems to be some sort of breathing interference of some sort, perhaps? My folds feel like there's no edge, just a mass of fold just vibrating, if that makes any sense. 

Practice 9/25/16, Lesson Summary and Take-Aways 9/23/16

Some thoughts before I begin:
It's kind of an obvious thing, but I'm really starting to notice how much having food inside you before vocalizing really affects your singing. When I get stressed out, I either a) eat like there's no tomorrow, or b) don't eat anything ever. This last month has been more of a "b" kind of stress, so I haven't been eating much. As a result, I'm starting to understand how much of a difference food really makes. In my head, it's always made sense, but I guess it's just now starting to sink in that my eating habits aren't exactly healthy. I'm going to make it a goal to have a regular eating schedule.

Lesson 9/23/16
With that in mind, I feel like this lesson may have been more successful than last week because I forced myself to eat something before singing. When you're low on energy, it's easy to accumulate tensions because you're compensating for your lack of (breath) energy. I started this lesson pretty tired (from lack of sleep, not lack of food), and my voice felt pretty swollen. Whenever I went to produce sound, there was a small "hitch" in the breath as it would try to vibrate past the folds.

• "please" 54321: Watch that it's not shallow in your preparation. Open yourself up. 
• Let the breath out, let the breath open you, sing, repeat. Let it be organic. 
• 13-35-58-85-53-31 "I" 
• Go around the fat man with the "ay" when you ascend. 
• SUPER "yawn" 8531. 
• switch to "gah." Let the pressure of release originate at the [g], rather than at the folds. 
• switch to regular opening, not hyperextended. Looking for the suddenness of the release, not the breath pressure. 
• "My own" 1-87654321. 
• Have feeling of yawn in [a] of beginning and the [o] of the end, but allow the resonance space to change because of pitch difference. 
• Allow the "squealing" rather than "hissing." 
• "gai lai" 5432123454321. 
• Really think about more neutral face. Don't be dead, but be as released in the face as you are in the low notes in the top notes. 
• [mi me] 13-35-58-85-53-31
• Use finger on the forehead cue. It's like a hole the size of the tip of your finger, and your top note comes out of that hole. Depending on the pitch, the height of that hole will be higher or lower. 

By the time we finished vocalizes, I didn't feel completely ready to sing (at least, if I were in my own practice, I would still be vocalizing), so I wasn't quite sure if singing was a good idea. However, even if I didn't feel ready, I was surprised by how easily I was able to enter the act of singing (if that makes any sense). Just an observation. 

Even now, after following along with the lesson, I don't feel quite ready to sing, so I may go over some of the opening exercises a couple more times before getting into my music. 

Lesson Summary 9/16/16 and Practice 9/21/16

I usually get these summaries in sooner, but I'm going to be completely honest and say that this last lesson was extremely frustrating for me. I may or may not have had to work a little to hold back some angry tears because I couldn't figure out why my tongue or soft palate or throat wouldn't loosen up. It was particularly frustrating because I thought I understood what was wrong (Not so much the case right now, because I have no clue what is going on with my voice these days), but I couldn't get it to go away.

In hindsight, I need to start re-focusing on the positive aspects of my practice and recreating that, but my old habits have been getting the best of me lately.

In my practice since my lesson, I've still been plagued with weird tensions that I can't seem to eliminate, but I think I made some progress today (even though I got excited and may have oversung just a bit). However, by the end of the day, my voice felt pretty shot. Also, I've been doing a good job so far of not getting sick, but it's really difficult when all of your roommates are ill. I felt a little bit of odd swelling in the left side of my throat since I woke up, and I have been noticing that I've been more tired lately. But I'm going to stay healthy. Because I have recording to do this Friday. I. Am. Healthy. I. Am. Healthy. I. Am. Healthy.

Today's Practice (9/21/16): I wrote in my small notebook.

• Have been feeling stiff in tongue/throat for the past couple days. 
• Start low. Use nose breath that is spacious/released in nasopharynx. Use closed vowel [e] for tongue. 
• Start with smile, then move to internal smile. 
• Novocaine Jaw. 
• Be light with sound. Use [nem], but consonants are light. 
• "truly" 8-1 scale. Think [ng] on the 3rd above the top note and really visualize singing it. Breathe in the vowel. 
• Focus on the positives!!
• "Sing" 8-5-3-1
• loose lips!
• Finally released. Now to find the height again. Took ~30-40 min. 
• Sometimes go fast enough to trick yourself and not have time to grab. 
• Follow 9/11/16 lesson. 
• REALLY think loose mouth. 
• steady breath pressure
• avoid the mirror--you tend to "make" faces. 
• [a-o] 1-8-787878-5-3-1.
• resonance shouldn't shift dramatically. if you're having a hard time, allow jaw to fall more open and back! Don't let tongue shove forward. 
• "like that" with breath onset and suspension/sustain
• ~30 min. 
• ~1 hr. total vocal alignment. 
• Feels much better. Tongue less engaged. 

Lesson Summary 9/16/16:

• "way" on child-like descending passages. 
• 1-81-81-81-81 "ah" wobble exercises. 
• "ah-oh" 1-35-3-1358531. 
• "happy surprise" feeling. Things are a bit lazy inside, so don't be so relaxed inside. 
• [i-e-o-a] 12345678987654321-12345678987654321-12345678-arpeggio thing. 
• (This is where I got really frustrated, because I knew what I wanted, and I've done it before, but I was upset that I couldn't do it. To be honest, it still frustrates me.) 
• We worked on this for 10 minutes. 
• Pay attention to breath flow and subglottal pressure. If you allow more airflow, increase the space to reduce pressure. 
• Get out of the sound's way. Never make the sound. 
• [a-o-a] 1-8-531. 
• Have things live in a more nasal place for your consonants when you first start them to find placement. 

This is turning into a really long post, but I have a lot of things on my mind right now. I think I can attribute a lot of my vocal issues to stress, and I feel like this is more of a mental block than anything. I've been trying to work around really strong feelings of inadequacy that I seemed to have developed over the summer. Yes, I'll have my days when my technique falls into place, and I can figure my way out of bad voice days. But I feel like more often than not I'm just flailing because when I think I've figured things out, it falls apart and I'm left in a vocal rut for weeks on end, and it's very discouraging. That's not to say that I still don't love what I'm doing. It's just been really hard when it feels like all the work that you've done isn't manifesting itself in the way that you want it to. I feel all of this stress, and I think it's just showing up in vocal tensions that I haven't felt in a long time. Like old habits rising from the grave. I know it's unreasonable to say that I feel like I've made no progress, because I know that's not true, but when you've got that learning curve that goes up and down, it's difficult when you've been stuck in the down curve for so long, especially when compared to the time spent in the up curve. 

I will admit that typing that out was very cathartic. But that's how my life has been for the past couple of months. I guess the only thing I can do from here is to keep walking forward and hope for the best. 

Lesson Take-Aways 9/16/16

Sorry, I thought I did this, but apparently I didn't.

• Nasally consonants
• Watch that the pharynx stays open/back
• Keep the depth
• Don't move the foot up. Add on top of it. 
• Mole hill to a mountain. 
• Novocaine Jaw/mouth. 

Practice 9/19/16

Voice feels relatively released today. The root of my tongue still feels a little stiff. Listened to Lesson 2/27/16 for about 5 minutes, but I realized I didn't need it.

• Lesson 7/18/16
• Back of pharynx released. 
• Airflow consistency. 
• Lesson 9/11/16
• Think fish gills. 
• I'm feeling a ceiling, and I feel like my soft palate is stiffening or something. 
• I continued to follow along with the lesson, and I thought more about being more generous with my jaw opening without shoving it open. Also, I did the [a-e-o-e-a] exercise, and for some reason, it worked today, and it wasn't working the other days. I'm not quite sure why, but the ceiling went away. 
• I focused on the closed [e] and maintaining that sort of high feeling with the [o] while keeping the depth in my space (not the sound). 

Practice 9/18/16

• Speech-like. 
• Don't make the soft palate rise. 
• Don't punt! Even airflow. 
• Think up as you descend! Don't get lazy as you descend. 
• Stay open! 
• Soften the soft palate, but don't think about lifting it (because that's when you stiffen)
• Novocaine Jaw!
• [u] breath. 

I followed along with the 2/27/16 and 7/18/16 lessons. One thing I really focused on was seeing if I could sing released in a lighter/softer voice. I spent about ~45-50 minutes aligning the voice and making sure that the throat is open and that the airflow is never punting or kinky. 

Another thing that helped was trying to keep things in a speech-like voice, and that helped maintain the depth while singing on the top of the space, if that makes sense. I did this yesterday and today, and I feel much better than I did this last week. 

Practice and Dr. Ballam Coaching 9/8/16

I had to wake up early to start warming up because of my meeting with Dr. Ballam at 8:30am. At around 7:30, I began vocalizing and following along with my usual lessons these days, 2/26/16 and 7/18/16.

I felt fine warming up, but when it came to focusing the breath and resonance, I realized (a little too late) that, because I hadn't eaten, it was difficult to stabilize my breath, and therefore my vibrato.

***

Dr. Ballam started out the session by asking me about myself--how long I had been singing (since sophomore year of high school), my piano/flute experience, why I chose to sing rather than pursue instrumental music, etc.

We worked in "Va! Laisse couler mes larmes" from Werther. We spent most of our time on interpretation, rather than technical things (as expected).

Some of my personal thoughts on my actual voice before proceeding: I managed to get more into my body as we went on; breathing became less of a hindrance once I got the chance to move around and stand for a bit. Things were still a little heavy in terms of vibrato (esp on the F5), but I started to get into the higher resonance towards the end of the coaching. Working on vowels helped.

• The first note you sing is very important! Put all the meaning into it! The pitch should be dead on when you sing it. If you get any note, it should be this one. 
• Why is the chord major after singing "ma cherie?" Massenet (two syllables) used accompaniment to comment on the text after the fact. 
• Charlotte is like a mother to Sophie, according to her mother's wishes (which included marrying Albert). 
• This is more of a soliloquy once you "dismiss" Sophie. 
• Internalize where she is.
• there is no text repetition, except at the very end. Make every word count.
• Read "The Sorrows of Young Werther" to get a better understanding. 
• work on making French [oe], rather than English "uh" 
• Open up vowels that close down (i.e. [u]) while maintaining the integrity of the vowel for projection. 
• Saxophone plays at the beginning, not bassoon.... (interesting. Didn't know that.)

The main things to take away:

• Singing is more than making music; it's telling a story. Don't be afraid to use your body. 
• French [oe] vs. English "uh"
• Don't be afraid to be someone else: You are Charlotte. Not Emily. 
• Feel every word in your body. (example: "Notre ame" "OUR soul")

I'm excited to work with Dr. Ballam again; I felt like I figured out more about how to use gestures AND facial expressions to convey a message. Very inspiring and motivational. 

Practice 9/7/16

Voice is feeling a little... uncooperative today. I had a hard time getting things to focus without feeling tension in the throat/vibrato.

Listen to Lesson 2/26/16

• don't punch for more volume
• "ok" fingers from masterclass
• loose mouth!
• focus vowel; make it "narrower" (not in the throat)
• channel inner Nadine Sierra 

Lesson 7/18/16

• "novocaine jaw" and lips
• fat tongue/side edges
• The vibrato is HIGH. If you can feel it anywhere below the jaw, watch it!
• watch facial recruitment
• sing sustained vowel until you get what you want. "ok" hand for this. 

UPDATE:

As I've gone through the day, the quality of my speaking voice hasn't gotten better. Some gravel-like sensations, as well as some of the strange onset discomfort that I was experiencing earlier has returned. It's not to the point where it's worrisome, but it's obnoxious and uncomfortable. 

I spent some time in my room just doing some simple exercises "nyam" and "yayaya" on 54321, really focusing on onset and how my voice feels, and I think I got it to feel a little better, although I couldn't seem to eliminate the strange "gravel-like" sensation. 

However, I took small breaks between each vocalize, and each time, my voice felt better and better. Now there is no gravel in my speaking voice, and the onset discomfort is gone. I'm thinking I just oversang a little bit today in the wrong place, so my voice suffered a bit until I went and recalibrated. 

Practice 9/6/16

I've been using my little notebook as of late, so I haven't been posting here (that, and my laptop is really heavy, so I don't like to carry it around...)

Listen to lessons 2/26/16, 8/5/16, and 7/18/16

• sternum breath
• breath on bottom, pitch on top
• think of oval! It makes a difference
• this also cues molar space without jamming
• no punting
• **Inner smile/A-O Joint balance
• sneeze space

An observation: I sing better throughout the day if I start in the morning/not sleeping in. 

UPDATE:

Master Class with Jamilyn Manning-White

"Va! Laisse couler mes larmes"

• "Ok" fingers, loose lips/jaw
• higher [o] for "va!"
• "like that"
• loose mouth!
• "I need a minute" -- keep down the emotion while it bubbles up and sometimes overflows, but keep it under control. 
• keep vowel focused--you have a tendency to spread vowel.

Ask questions when singing. "Discovery!"

Practice 9/1/16

Last night (around midnight) my throat began to swell a bit, and I think it's from stress. I've got (what feels like) some lymph node swelling with a runny/congested nose, and it just feels like something you get when you're sleep deprived. Lymph nodes feel a little tender, but otherwise, my tongue doesn't feel particularly tight, and my voice just has a little swelling. My body's also been under some stress since I've been doing a lot more physical activity than I'm used to. AND it's been Shark Week as well. So it's been sort of a triple whammy.

• Lesson 2/26/16
• (I keep coming back to this one because it feels good every time I do the vocalizes. It's good to warm up with these ones in the morning.) 
• Don't tilt chin down; have balanced A-O joint. 
• Novocaine Jaw + gummy molar space. 
• Watch the "frown" as you descend. 
• Loose lips/"space" between lips and teeth
• (~15-20 min.) 
• Side note: I've been sitting for this practice session since my lower back is so tense. 
• Lesson 7/18/16
• (And I like the vocalizes in this one because [if I'm focusing like I should] it helps with alignment pretty well.)
• Watch snarl vs. smile
• If you feel too much fuzz in voice, you're not high enough. (Tongue [ng])
• I took a moment to pause and stretch my neck and lower back, just to loosen things up a little. It wasn't terribly affecting my singing, but I just wasn't comfortable in my body. 
• Don't punch air for anything (especially) above C5.
• (~40 min.)

I think this was a very successful practice session. I had a lot of focus on my breath (which I usually neglect), as well as having internal smile (rather than a frown, esp. as I descend), and loose jaw for molar space. My closed vowels [i/e/u] are doing much better, but now I have to get my open vowels [o/a] into the same place every time. I get it sometimes, but it take a couple trials.